I hear her voice faintly from beyond the veil. Not wanting to miss a word, I chant the ancient rune she taught me in my youth..."Ooommmmmm...grandmother-please-speak-up-I-can't-hear-you....... oooommmmmmmm" Suddenly, I hear her voice clearly in my head.
"Of course you should, you moron!" she channels. "Do you want to be a loser ALL your life?"
And so here I am. Hello, my name is Taliesin Athor Govannon, and for the foreseeable future I will be The Witches Brew's resident humourist. (Actually, when you consider how many psychic types are probably reading this, the foreseeable future is a pretty bloody long time!) Those of you who are on the internet may already be acquainted with my "unique" sense of humour through my postings on the alt.religion.wicca newsgroup. For the rest of you, the fine (and slightly foolish) editors of this publication have asked me to write this.
In the coming months, I will be taking a somewhat lighter look at the Pagan scene. Though I'll probably offend some people right off the bat, don't worry...I'll get around to offending everyone sooner or later. Ipromise.
To start things off, here is the piece that got everything rolling for me. Although it is inspired by Jeff Foxworthy's famous routine, I did NOT steal it. I absorbed it and made it a part of mycomedic tradition.
If your ceremonial garb consists of cut-offs and a tube top,
Or if you think a "family tradition" is a dating club...
If you've reached the 3rd degree but not the 3rd grade,
Or if your coven's secret names for the God and Goddess are "Cooter" and "Sweet Cheeks".....
You may be a redneck Pagan.
If your ceremonial chalice says "Budweiser" on it...
If chewing tobacco is considered a sacred herb...
If your circle dance includes the words "dosey-do",
Or if your altar pentacle is a photo of John Wayne's star on the Hollywood "Walk Of Fame".....
You may be a redneck Pagan.
Now if your coven chose it's High Priest at a belching contest,
Or if they chose their High Priestess at a wet t-shirt night...
If your anointing oil smells like "Old Spice"...
And if you have ever refilled your chalice from a keg...
You may be a redneck Pagan.
If your Goddess picture says "Miss September" at the bottom,
Or your God statue looks a little too much like Elvis Presley...
If you have ever written a spell on the back of a Denny's menu...
Or if you have ever cancelled a coven meeting to watch Pay-Per-View wrestling on TV...
You may be a redneck Pagan.
If your children and your dog have the same magical name
(Skeeter! Get on over here and cast this circle!)...
If your cakes and ale consist of moonpies and a cold "Bud"...
Or if your coven sword says "Power Rangers" on it...
You may be a redneck Pagan!
If your Book Of Shadows has a picture of Kyle Petty or Dale Earnhart on it....
If your divination kit consists of a picture of Dionne Warwick and a 1-900 number...
Or if your idea of a pilgrimage to a sacred circle is going to the Indy 500....
You're probably a redneck Pagan!
Now if your ceremonial head-dress has a bill and says "Chevrolet" on it,
Or if your Sabbat Queen's head-dress is made out of those little nylon flowers the veterans hand out in front of the supermarket...
You're probably a redneck Pagan.
If you chose "Jim Bob" or "Stormin Normin" as a magickal name...
If you think charging is done with a Master Card...
Or if your Balefire says "Coleman" on it...
You might be.........
Now, if your covenstead says "Winnebago" on the side, you're NOT necessarily a redneck Pagan, but if your covenstead's up on blocks, well......
Now if you Goddess visualizations look too much like Pamela Anderson.....
Or if your initiatory ordeal consisted of being blind-folded with a confederate flag and leg-wrestling...
If your idea of a Pagan festival consists of a tailgate party and tickets to the superbowl...
Or if your ceremonial chants are by Garth Brooks...
You're probably a redneck Pagan!
If your coven's guided meditations start out with a burger at "Hooter's",
or if you think a "Gerald Gardner" is farm equipment...
You are definitely a redneck Pagan!
And finally, if you have ever called the National Enquirer because you raised a potato that resembled the Willendorf Goddess,
Or if you have EVER worked love magick on livestock......
...AND FAILED....
You are definitely a Redneck Pagan!
Blessed Bee (bzzzzzzz.....zzzzzzz...zzzz..zzz..zz..z..) Taliesin Athor Govannon
More to come from Taliesin...
This article may not be re-printed without permission from Taliesin or Witch's Brew